My Darling Esme Dawn, this is our story. . .
We never anticipated we would wait 6 years after having your brother to have you. Your brother fed for 2.5 years and as they say it wasn’t until after he was 3 I felt like my body had truly come back to optimal health. This was the first time I had considered that I “soon” might be ready to conceive you. However, I knew I wanted us to have a conscious conception which meant first I had some more cleansing and building to do, so both you and I could have the most nourishing, supportive pregnancy, birth and post-birth.
When your brother was 3, we had just finished travelling Australia and decided to do a project and build a beautiful home to sell. This kept the 3 of us incredibly busy but also brought us immense satisfaction, reward and joy.
During the year build, I completed numerous health protocols to prepare my body and mind such as; a 3-month candida protocol, heavy metal protocol, parasite protocol, Ayurveda detoxs, having 2 x 10 year old root canals removed, liver cleanses and juice detox.
After the year I was feeling and my blood was showing I was at optimal health and closer to being ready for your timing. Next, we decided it was time to move back to our immediate families and anchor down some stronger roots. We moved from Southwest WA back to Sunshine Coast QLD. By this time your brother was 4 and it took some time for us all to settle into our new surroundings. By the time your brother was 5, we were all now longing for you to join us.
We initially tried the method to conceive a girl whereby you try as far away from ovulation as possible. For us, this resulted in no pregnancy for 3 months. On the 4th month, I was waiting again for that timing when your daddy was sick and so I surrendered and thought it’s not meant to be this month. The following Saturday 21st December 2019 and two days after ovulation (according to my period tracking app) we were intimate and you were conceived.
The month before your conception I was also pregnant but at 5 weeks something wasn’t aligned and released, with that pregnancy as with the same for your brother, the very next day I knew I was pregnant, as my body immediately began to internally shift and I could feel this. However, after the previous month, I was a little more cautious and decided to try not to read into any signs as to not get too excited. It was when I was talking to our intuitive reader friend Kate that she picked up she believed I was again pregnant. I decided I didn’t need to complete a pregnancy test to confirm I was pregnant but instead would enjoy listening to and patiently waiting for the changes. At 10 days being overdue for my period, my boobs were significantly bigger and my bowel movements had changed from day 2 of conception which was confirmation enough for me.
Soon my appetite and desire for food began to also change, I quickly turned off all food, this was a change from your brother’s pregnancy as I maintained a stronger appetite and this was the first time my hopes began to grow that I could be carrying a girl.
At 13 weeks we had our only scan for the pregnancy. We hadn’t told your brother we were pregnant or where we were going. Once the scan began, seeing his face process what was going on and him whispering to your dad is that a baby in there was such a special moment. Months before your brother and I would often say a little prayer to my belly letting your soul know it was safe and we were ready for you to be conceived. Immediately he said it’s a girl and again my hopes grew higher as I trusted he knew.
From the minute you were conceived I lost my ability to intentionally be able to connect with my higher self and receive guidance. I also at times tried to muscle test myself to see if you were a girl but I would get no answer. This makes me laugh today because two of our practitioner friends I asked what sex they thought you were and they wouldn’t give me a response. Later on, they told me the baby didn’t want me to know. In the third trimester, they both confirmed they believed you were a girl.
Another sign perhaps from you was when one day your daddy was preparing to go North on an adventure when he asked me to soak his white shirts, I did this but after soaking them I threw them in the washing machine with other clothes. All the white shirts came out bright pink!!! As a new piece of clothing had been in there, we all couldn’t help but laugh hoping it was a little sign from you, it then happened again a second time!! Your daddy wasn’t too impressed.
Your Aunty Erin also whisked me away one night to a little air bnb so we could spend the day and evening together discussing your birth and how we both longed to meet you and took some beautiful photos of you in my belly. Erin had prepared some beautiful cards to write on for me which she had picked out as white, when she got them home the top card was only white and the rest a beautiful pink, again we laughed and crossed our fingers and toes it was you trying to reassure us you were on your way.
My pregnancy was a pleasure and I loved every minute of carrying you. I carried very similarly to your brother, measuring and weighing the same the whole way through. The only difference I felt I carried a little higher and rounder. You were also a lot more active in the womb then your brother constantly fluttering about and again made us all think you might be a busy girl once earthside, but you have been so calm and peaceful.
I had a few different symptoms this time that reinforced more hope of you being a girl, such as my body temperature being extremely hot, experiencing very big emotions at times, mild UTI’s, skin inflammation – I went through a huge relapse of chronic eczema on my arms and hands for the first time in 10 years. Mild indigestion and dry eyes a few times, blocked ears and desiring to eat a raw plant-based diet, which helped clear my skin and emotions.
I enjoyed the second and third trimester I had no desire to eat sweets or chocolate or snack between meals. This is usually a challenge for me and something my Vata body loves. My most enjoyed food through the pregnancy was fruit – in particular, papaya with lime and passionfruit and a smoothie of orange juice, mango and pineapple. In the very few last weeks in the morning, I’d thoroughly enjoy evermite (a healthy version and without the wheat vegemite) with avocado on a seed bread. I also found a particular brand of raspberry red leaf tea and drank cups and cups of it as my body craved it. I also was shifting some huge stored past emotions at this time hence a few of the other symptoms I experienced, no doubt all aligning so I could show up as a better Mother for you and your brother.
I knew before conception that I desired a home birth and early on I could see myself birthing out on our back grassed lawn, under the trees, with the birds, the kookaburras and the sun shining through. However, as we were living in a studio it wasn’t ideal space wise, but we were happy to make it work when the universe decided to intervene and our home was sold when we all had no belief it would!! I was ok with this as I knew it was unfolding perfectly, and leading up to the move the only thing that threw me out a little was not being able to visualise your birth somewhere.
Incredibly earlier in the year friends had connected us with a beautiful family and they happened to have a beautiful home a few streets away sitting vacant!! Everything aligned and three weeks before your arrival we moved. Once we were in I could see your new birthing space was to be outside on the front deck, amongst the plants, under the blue sky with the sun shining, the birds singing and the wind calm.
For your birth preparation, I used the epi-no but also wasn’t called to it like I had been the first time. I had no doubts my body was capable of perfectly opening and not tearing. I also wasn’t called to read any books or listen to any stories. I knew everything was within me and together you and I would work together in the way that was perfect for us.
I enjoyed listening to my hypnobirthing meditation which always took me off into a beautiful meditate state that felt perfect to what I needed. As well as writing my birth plan and desired birth and anchoring into those often. With your brother, we had worked together to have a night time birth under a blood moon, this time I saw you coming through with the sun, but I didn’t know if it was completely possible for me to manifest this as I knew it wasn’t up to me but up to you.
In the third trimester towards the end, I used our practitioners to support the pregnancy and guide us through for birth. We saw fortnightly alternating between; Kara our kinesiologist, Fiz our bio-resonance practitioner, Suzanne for Reiki and Mikayla for Chiro adjustments.
Days before your arrival we had Kara come to the house and cleanse the energy of the home and energetically prepare the birth space. She also connected with your energy and had many key messages for us from you, such as; you were a little scared of this new place and I had been so busy and you needed to see me slow down to know life won’t always be so busy. The other messages and guidance helped support us through the remaining days with you in my womb and for your transition earthside.
Suzanne also checked my chakras were all open and ready to take on the role as the birth Sharman when birth would begin, which they were. Again she checked on you and saw beautiful lights around you and your energy BIG and soon you would be ready.
Our midwife Clarice and also Chiro confirmed you were in optimal positioning and ready for birth when the timing was right.
Your due date from my calculations was to be 10/09 this fitted well as your brother is 09/10. This meant you would be an earth sign ~ Virgo and we would then have all the elements – water, air, fire and earth in our little family. I had been told by 2 spiritual healers years before your conception that I had a girl spirit with me and she would be very angelic. The above practitioners when also tapping into your energy, would laugh and say this girl has very big energy, like a firecracker!!
I also had the 5th come into my mind whilst dreaming one night. Up until this day we weren’t 100% prepared for your arrival, so now you are here, looking back on it I would have waited right till the last minute, however, you wanted me to be prepared so I could just completely stop and “be”. Clever girl, this worked. So on the 4th daddy and Opie built your sacred birthing tent outside amongst all the elements. We enjoyed dancing around with anticipation and excitement for the evening and visualising the birth space. We had a beautiful altar, candles, crystals, oils and sentimental pieces to us. We had a perfect day and evening but you weren’t yet ready to join us. We excitedly waited for the 10th but again the timing for you wasn’t yet aligned. I spent the next 3 days in a beautiful meditative, internal state. Your brother went to school, your dad was editing his videos and I would spend the day lying outside in the sun just completely “being” I would meditate and visualise your birth over and over. At night time I would go out onto our bedroom balcony and look up at all the stars and moon and smile, knowing you were soon going to be ready to join us. I would say over and over to you.. “trust me. I know how to nurture and protect you. I know the world you are about to enter. I can teach you how to survive, grow and thrive here.” “You are loved, you are welcomed, you are safe.” I would also do a chant to call upon the role of becoming the birth Sharman and initiating birth. I enjoyed these last few days as I knew it was supportive for you to see me stop and just “be” and for things to slow right down for your arrival and I was just amazed at how already I had begun the birthing process by being so internal and time just melting away.
Between the 5th – 14th the weather was so up and down, we moved your birthing space from outside to inside, to outside, to inside to outside!! I knew it would all unfold as it was meant to, so remained flexible and unattached. I also prayed to all the elements each day to work with us to bring our desired birth to fruition.
On Monday 14th September I woke at 3 am to some light cramping in my stomach, however, I had been experiencing similar cramps in the previous days at a similar time, but once I went to the toilet, the cramps subsided. This time the cramps seemed to be coming in light waves. I wondered if it could be… your grandad said he thought it would be today, but I also didn’t get excited as my waters hadn’t broken as they did with your brother.
Time passed so quickly, I was already in a light internal state. An hour went by and it was now 4 am, I decided to see if there was any timing to these cramps and found they were roughly 5 mins apart, I also had started to feel some tension in my lower back. I thought how amazing it would feel to have a hot water bottle on my lower back, however, I didn’t want to wake your daddy or brother. After a while, I decided to go downstairs and make the hot water bottle and try lying on the couch. Contractions were still every 5 mins, but mild and manageable, I enjoyed the solitude and gently trying out different positions and movements to see how it felt for my body. At 5 am I decided to text Clarice, our midwife and your Aunty Erin, letting them know I believed I was having contractions but my waters hadn’t broken. At 5.30 am I saw Opie walk into our bedroom and thought this was a good time to tell him and your dad I thought you might be coming.
From 5.30-6.30 I was able to comfortably move around, I had a shower, made the bed, tidied up a bit and made sure all was in place and ready. The boys were moving our birthing space outside, when I tried to help your brother carry his end of the birthing tent and a contraction hit and I dropped the tent and it fell to the floor and broke, my heart broke for your dad, he had enough to organise and now he had to repair the tent, luckily he is incredible and was able to find a solution quickly and today we’ve laughed about this moment many times. The tent lace canopy we used was the same one your Dad and I were married under, handmade by our friend. By this time I wasn’t in a state of mind to be aware of what was around me, however, your Daddy and Brother made sure my chosen music was playing, essential oils diffusing, candles lit, crystals purposely placed by Opie and Daddy making sure everything was perfect for your arrival.
By 6.30 contractions were getting intense and I let everyone know to come to the house. I was still confused as my waters hadn’t broken but knew by the intensity of the contractions things were progressing.
Your Aunty Erin arrived and text all the beautiful women from our blessingway, ten incredible women who showered us in their love, support and guidance and let them all know I was in labour and it was time to cut their red wristbands and send their prayers and wishes our way for your safe arrival.
Next, your Numa arrived, then Chloe-videographer, your nanny was unable to make it as your Pa wasn’t well. Next, the midwives said again the universe was intervening and it was like the “Truman Show” whereby everything they tried to make it here wasn’t going to allow it. They had never missed a birth before but again the universe perhaps giving me the unassisted birth I always desired. There was an accident they were stuck in. But in the moment we had everything and everyone we needed to bring you safely earthside. Your Aunty Erin had graciously taken on the role and knew exactly what I needed, she was there every step of the way, by my side providing all the support I needed. I was calm and didn’t have a doubt in the world, I knew from day one we would do this perfectly together.
By this time I had gone very internal, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t hear the music playing, I was unaware of who was around me, it’s a very out of body kind of experience. I went back to the shower 2 more times which provided the best relief out of everything, I had the hot water so hot I would have head spins when I stood up but it completely eased the tension. Your Aunty Erin was amazing at offering me glasses of water to ensure I stayed hydrated. Your dad and brother were also right there with me, with their calming, loving, supportive energy. Your dad would whisper little things to me now and then and Opie would be right by his side and offering me oils to smell, they all also allowed me to have the space I needed to just be internal and working with you.
After the shower I tried a few positions in our bedroom, mainly kneeling over our bed while your Aunty Erin massaged my lower back, which again relieved some of the tension and also distracted me from the contractions.
By 7.30 contractions were very intense and I started thinking I want a break, to press pause and just catch my breath. The intensity was in my lower back (I didn’t have this with your brother, so it was something new to try to manage) and was like nothing I’ve ever felt before, my body was spasming with adrenaline and I would scrunch my face into the covers of the bed and let out an aghhhh moan, to help create vibrations within my body and release. Your Aunty Erin would also breathe deeply with me and moan with me, guiding me. I kept feeling like I needed to vomit, knowing this happened last time was a reassuring sign things were really progressing and you were so close. I got up to try standing but couldn’t take that, I went to the toilet and then knelt back down over the bed. I suddenly had the urge to begin pushing again this took me by surprise as with your brother I had more warning and time to process needing to push, however, you were ready to come and were making your way very quickly to us.
I said to your Aunty Erin I needed to push, your dad was with me also, telling me how well I was doing and how much he loved me. They wanted to help me down to the pool, but I didn’t think I could walk, as soon as a contraction ended I knew I needed to somehow get downstairs into the pool so I began crawling to the stairs and then was able to quickly stand and walk with your dad and Aunty Erin’s help.
Getting into the pool did provide relief, but it was then from that moment that I became even more internal and so focused, I remember getting in and I didn’t even have a chance to check my positioning or take a breath, I focused on one spot at the bottom of the pool and began working to control my breath and resisting the urge to push. I went through one contraction and then reached down and could feel your silky soft hair and head crowning, this was it, you were coming, I’m so close to meeting you I thought. The opening and burning was so incredibly intense, once again. I was so focused on not tearing so instead of pushing I just tried my best to hold you there and allow you to slowly come through. Finally, I felt a pop and my waters broke which provided a small amount of relief, quickly next came your head, which provided a great amount of relief before it began building again, we stayed there for another contraction or 2 before your arm and upper body came through. I could feel your Aunty Erin there ready to catch you and guiding me to continue gently pushing, with one last surge and the greatest release you came out and into the welcoming hands of your beautiful Aunty, who then passed you through to me. This moment in time, I have tears streaming down my face writing about it. One of the very best moments of my life along with the birth of your brother. This incredible moment of overwhelming deep, pure, unconditional love meeting you for the first time in the physical, then looking at your dad and seeing tears flow down his face and the look on your brother’s face, the first time we were united as the four of us.
The feelings of relief, bursting with love and energy and all the incredible hormones now taking over, my mind kicking back in and shaking my head and crying in awe and gratitude for my strong body and mind and it’s ability to birth you perfectly under the sun as I had visualised.
You were a little purple but quickly let out a cry which let us know you were ok. I patted you on the back, trying to clear your airways. I then said to Opie and your dad should we check the sex and all did together. I burst into tears and an uncontrollable sob as honestly couldn’t believe my eyes and almost felt like I needed to double-check. Oh my darling girl, it was you all along!! A moment I will truly cherish and relive over and over in my mind, my dreams really had come true. We already were blessed with your brother – our moon and now we have you our perfect little angelic girl – our sun.
Esme Dawn Rose ~ named after the tattoo on your Dad’s arm representing 3 powerful earth sign women in your dad’s life. E- Aunty Erin, S – Stacey, M – Mikayla and you were coming through as the final E to create your beautiful name. Dawn for another humble earth sign in your life: your adoring great grandmother who was also born during a home birth at Dawn. Rose – shortened from Rosalie as your brother’s choice of name and the name he chose to call you for the first week.
Born at 8.21 am (of course at 8 am being my iconic number and in this moment no doubt representing inner strength and determination) 3.5kg, 52cm long and 35cm head. We enjoyed 20 minutes in the pool when then our midwives arrived and suggested you were getting cold and we move to our bed setup we had arranged. Your brother came to wrap you in his fluffy red blanket just as you had visited and asked, a message delivered via Kara so that you knew you had safely arrived at the right place and you and he were once again together as you had been in past lives. We enjoyed getting some sun during this time which supported both you and me.
I soon began getting placenta contraction pains which were again uncomfortable, on the next one we tried to release the placenta by just pushing it out but nothing came. I remembered to anchor back into my breath and we waited a while longer. Our midwife did an internal and found I had just a very small graze. After another 15 – 20 mins, our midwife suggested I try squatting and pushing, so I did and the placenta glided out. We then relaxed again and I put you onto the left breast where you latched with ease and fed for around an hour. During that time you managed to release two meconium poos on me, we tried getting it off but it was everywhere. We decided to have a quick shower to clean us up being careful to only wash where necessary so as not to remove the vernix from your upper body. Your daddy then had his first cuddle while I got dressed and we moved upstairs into our bedroom into bed. My uterus began shrinking and I couldn’t believe the contraction intensity. My body was tired and weak and so when a surge would come my body would shake with adrenaline. I had to keep you and anything else off my stomach as any pressure was too uncomfortable. We left your cord attached for 3 hours and ensured it had stopped pulsating before your Daddy cut the cord. Once we moved upstairs to our bed you went straight to sleep between us all for the next 3 hours. Nanny and Pa quickly stopped in for a visit, and Numa and Grandad were overjoyed to meet you too but no one but our little family held you for that first day, so as not to overwhelm you. Everyone left our home after helping pack everything away and tidying up and ensuring we had food and everything we needed. I was so grateful for the incredible support and the way we were all nurtured and cared for and knowing I didn’t need to do anything but be in the beautiful moment. Your brother adored you from the moment he saw you. He knew to be so gentle, tender and loving, he would kiss you and snuggle into your face and couldn’t wait for you to wake.
Writing this we haven’t yet planted your placenta as we wanted to wait until we were on our new land, we have it safe and look forward to having a little ceremony and planting a tree on top that will be in the sun and shine and grow beautifully just as you will.
The first week of our life our friends had arranged a beautiful meal train for us, whereby each day someone would bring us a meal. This was so incredibly nurturing and supportive and allowed us to truly be in a beautiful love bubble not needing to think about anything but admiring and loving you. We had 1 visitor roughly every second day. I encouraged this as I felt amazingly energetic and you were so peaceful and seemed comfortable with our visitors. Your brother went to school for the next 4 days as it was the last week before the school holidays. Friday was our first outing as a family. We attended your Brothers school market, enjoying live music, the market stalls and your brother playing with his friends.
As I write this it has been 1 month since you graced us with your presence, you have been nothing but incredible! You are a great feeder and sleeper, sleeping and feeding mostly in 3-4 hr cycles. You are peaceful, and rarely cry but grunt at night to let me know you’re stirring and ready for a feed. You have given us many smiles and in particular, it seems every time your Aunty Erin has you, you smile the most. You dream often and sometimes have a little chuckle. You look for your brother’s voice often and always seem so content in his arms, as do you in your dad’s arms.
My darling angel you truly are a blessing. You are our little ray of sunshine and such a bright light, it will be our absolute pleasure guiding you and watching you shine so brightly.
Love always Mum xx